Wednesday, 22 January 2014

The end is nigh!

Journalism at its finest
(from Private Eye)
DAY 22

Crikey, it's been a while since I last wrote a blog post. The end of my NCTJ fast-track course is nigh, and I've been busy cramming myself with information I'll forget by the end of the week. That's what exams are for, no? 

After 14 years of state education, three years of university and two years of grown-up work, I can honestly say this last five months have been the most gruelling. There is just so much stuff. So much stuff to know. It's been constant pressure, constant doubt about whether I'm good enough, whether I've just blown a lot of money and actually maybe I should just do what I wanted to do when I was six, and become a farmer's wife so I can have a dog and a lamb. But I had to keep going, and as much as I've looked, there are no farmers wife courses in this country. 

I'm really going to miss the morning train journey to Brighton. This is not sarcasm, I love trains. I love that you can just sit there for a while, not having to do anything, not being anywhere. If I sat down like that on the sofa I'd start feeling guilty for not doing stuff. And it would be a bit weird. There is something exciting about train stations and airports and the tube. Everyone's going somewhere, there's a feeling that you're on a frontier, that beyond the platform there's a whole world to explore. Obviously I just go to college, but it's nice to have the option. Every morning I get into the same carriage with the same people. I never talk to them, but I'll miss them. Lady with the grey bob, guy with the headphones, bald man.

The 5:2 diet is still going alright! Especially as my body hates letting go of fat. In 3 weeks I've lost 4lbs, 4% of body fat and put on 3lbs of muscle. The pull up is still a long way away as I haven't had much time to get to the gym recently. I went for a run tonight though, got out all my post law-exam jitters.

I'm London-bound tomorrow for a job interview. I'm like a nerve junky - I've been so awash with adrenaline this week I've become numb to it. Maybe this time I won't make a twat of myself.   

Saturday, 11 January 2014

I bloody love the countryside

Next to my house is a lane. Down the lane is a style. Over the style is the A27, and across the A27 is this:



A really pretty field that (to the right of the frame) looks over the valley towards the Rickney marshes. I don't come here much because I'm not very good at crossing roads. The A27 is definitely a 'close your eyes and run' job, so it's best if I don't do it too often. Balance of probability and all that. 

Today has been beautiful. I sandwiched horrible, horrible public affairs revision between a 2 mile run (to ease myself back into it after a persistent knee injury that doubled as an ideal excuse not to go running) and a walk this afternoon to the other side of the A27. 

There's nothing more refreshing than getting out by yourself into the countryside. I do like the gym, but nothing beats this. 



In other news, I discovered something good yesterday. The 5:2 diet seems to be working! It's only been a week, but according to the bathroom scales, I've lost 3lbs, put on 3lbs of muscle and lost nearly 2% of fat. It doesn't make sense, because on Wednesday I went to the cinema and demolished a bag of sweet and salty popcorn from Tesco (v yum) and then a pint of lager at the pub. This must be the best diet ever. 

Anyway, the moral of this blog, is that time spent alone in a beautiful place is the best cure for most things. Except for agoraphobia, and loneliness, and fear of sheep which is, according to Google, called 'ovinaphobia', a word that sounds a little bit like some kind of STD. 

Thursday, 9 January 2014

People on diets piss everybody off

Example of annoying dieters:
See Gwenyth Paltrow's website 'Gloop'
and Cameron Diaz's new 'Body Book'
for confirmation.
DAY SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT and NINE

The truth is: people on diets piss everybody else off. Nobody really wants hear about how 'good' you've been today, or how you nearly gave in to the cookie jar at work but managed to veer off at the last second. They don't care about your 3 bean salad, or your 'after-gym smoothie'. Those things are really annoying. 

But to the dieter, these things become an overwhelming part of day-to-day life. As soon as you restrict your diet, you start to think constantly about food - what you're going to eat and when - what you'd rather eat and how much of it. Some people even start adapting their social lives to fit around their diets - they stop going to dinner with friends in case the burger and beer deal proves too tempting, they go to the gym instead of the pub after work, and they say no to that night out because they're 'going for a run tomorrow'. In other words, they become instantly quite boring

Like people who do a lot of charity work, these people are annoying because they make the rest of us feel bad. I went through a phase of healthy eating, training and charity fundraising last year and I have never been so annoying. (Note - it is the people who donate money, and not just the fundraisers, who deserve to feel good.) (That's not to say they don't work hard. Bar charity skydivers.)

At the risk of sounding like I've been paid to say this, this is what makes the 5:2 diet so appealing. It's a part-time diet, so some days you're that infuriating person who turns down offers of sweets and chocolate and yaps on about having no energy, and other days you're in the pub quaffing pints of beer and packets of pork scratchings. You might not achieve a body like Beyonce's any time soon, but at least you can tell people, between mouthfuls of crunchy pig fat and Guinness, that you're on a diet. 

Today is my second 'fast day' of the week, where I'm only allowed 500 calories. It's absolutely fine, I'm breezing through it. Even though this morning my strict 45g of porridge erupted in the microwave, leaving me with a kind of small sticky, not very satisfying oatcake for breakfast that I had to first peel off the outside of the bowl. 

I keep meaning to take pictures of my portion sizes in case anybody's interested in how it looks, but when I actually get round to eating I tend to be too hungry to think of getting my camera out. After 11 hours of study though, a 200 calorie dinner looks a lot like this:



I'm going to weigh myself at the end of the week and compare to the beginning of the week to see if there are any changes. Unfortunately I've not had time to do much exercise as exams are coming up. 

Before I go, just a quick note to say thank you to everybody who's taken the time to read my blog. I'm always surprised when people actually want to read my stuff, which is usually scrawled in diaries that nobody will ever see. Also thanks to my mum, who is doing the 5:2 with me even though she doesn't need to. 


Sunday, 5 January 2014

Panic at the buffet

DAY FIVE

I'm joining the masses and starting the 5:2 diet tomorrow. The one where you eat normally for five days and restrict yourself to 500 calories for two. 

The problem is, I'm a 'panic eater'. Like those people who, at the first hint of a storm, rush out to buy unusually large quantities of things like tinned haricot beans and spam, I often find myself eating, not because I'm hungry, but because an opportunity has presented itself. Say someone puts out a plate of biscuits. How can I not have one? It's not every day someone puts out a plate of biscuits. And why stop at one? Why not have three, or even four? Who knows when I'll next get a chance to have a biscuit? At least, that's what the primitive part of my brain tells me. The part everyone else in modern society seems to have got a handle on. My appetite can't seem to fathom that we no longer live in the hunter gatherer days where people had to eat as much as they could because chances were scarce.

This panic eating problem proves particularly interesting at buffets. When I walk into a buffet, I immediately become very suspicious of everyone around me, and very protective of the food cart. Of course, I have to maintain at least an illusion of decorum, so I usually wait at my table for four of five minutes before sauntering up to the counter like I couldn't care less whether there's any food left. Once I've piled up and returned to my table, it's not relief I feel, but fear that while I'm here eating my duck pancakes, all the sesame toast will go. Buffets are very uncomfortable places for me. Getting full is the worst thing. Walking out of the door knowing you're leaving all that free food behind is just wrong, it's wrong. 

So my point is, I'm worried that if I know tomorrow's going to be a hungry day, won't I just stock up today?

It seems I'll have to establish a bit of old fashioned self control if I'm ever going to banish the belly.

Tonight I'm going to weigh myself (eek), take some measurements and then get this 5:2 experiment going. According to clinical trials, some people lose up to 12lbs in a month on this diet. Sounds a bit drastic to me but that would be 12 fewer lbs to lift when I get round to doing my pull up, so it's worth a try. 

Friday, 3 January 2014

Pull ups and interview tips

I recommend Daily Yoga and Daily Workouts as great
Windows 8 Apps if you can't get to gym. 
DAY THREE

I just devoured a handful of grapes. It's the first bit of fruit I've eaten for two weeks. Usually I eat fruit to get rid of sweet cravings, but over Christmas that would just be absurd. It would take up space that should be reserved for important things like Lindor balls and Boursin cheese.

It's DAY THREE of my resolution to do a pull up. I did some yoga, arm and abs exercises this morning, but I do wonder if I still would have done them if I didn't have a huge pile of revision to avoid. 

In fact, I'm not sure I'd be writing this blog at all if I had no impending deadlines to blot out. I tend to be at my most productive when there's something unrelated but quite urgent to do. 

On top of revision, I should also be preparing for an upcoming job interview. The last one I had seriously flumped. It was for an editor role that was way above me, so much so that I wondered if they'd short-listed me by accident. But I tried anyway - I did lots of research, thought about what skills I had to offer and tried to convince myself that beneath the shyness and social ineptitude, there was a high-powered 'Meryl Streep in Devil-Wears-Prada' character just waiting to burst out of me.

There wasn't. But at least I can now compile a list of interview tips:

1. When drinking tea, keep an eye on what your mouth is doing. 
If possible, try to also control the order in which you swallow, breathe and talk. I messed mine up and ended up dribbling tea from my mouth onto the desk. In an attempt to reverse the dribble, I inhaled sharply and ended up breathing the tea back into my lungs, which I then spluttered back up onto the desk. This was all before the first question.  

2. Always prepare ideas, or at least try to improvise. 
I was asked what kind of articles/content ideas I would pitch for a lifestyle magazine about the coast. Now I thought I'd be brilliant at this kind of question, seeing as I love the sea and also really enjoy coming up with article ideas. But for some reason, the only thing that popped into my mind at that point, as they stared at me waiting for the answer that could make my whole career, was 'lobster farms'. I couldn't even expand on it. As I sat there trying to look like I was really considering the question, the only two words going around my head were lobster, and farm, blotting out all other potential ideas. So make sure you always go to an interview armed with a few intelligent responses, and don't overestimate your ability to improvise under pressure. 

Needless to say I didn't get the job. 

I've run out of tips, and it's also lunchtime so better wrap this up... as online stuff is all about interactivity these days, I'd like to invite you to add your own interview tips as comments if you have any :) (queue embarrassing blank space) 

*Have just received this interview tip from my friend Kaylie, who writes a very funny blog called That's The Way The Kookie Crumbles :

  • Don't spray large quantities of toilet air freshener on self beforehand "I once used a staff toilet before an interview and sprayed loo air freshener on myself rather than deodorant. I stunk out the joint to an eye watering level."

Thursday, 2 January 2014

New Year's Resolution: do a pull up

My New Year's Resolution is to do a pull up by the end of 2014. It doesn't sound like much, but I weigh almost 12 stone and have the arm strength of a small child.

So to get to this almighty goal, I'm going to have to lose the chub. 

It's not going to be easy. Last year I trained pretty hard for a half marathon and gave up all nice (bad) food for Lent, but only lost about 4lbs, which sneakily found their way back onto my stomach and chin(s) when I wasn't looking. 

I've just about got the endurance fitness, now I need the strength. It's important to note too that in any apocalyptic situation, I may at some point have to pull myself up from a window ledge/cliff face/tree branch, so it would be comforting to know I could do it.  

I should also say that I don't really like succumbing to the whole female stereotype thing of hating my body and wanting to lose weight because it's silly, really. A couple of years ago I injured my back at the gym and had sciatica for about 11 months which meant I couldn't walk very far let alone run, so now I feel like just having legs that work is brilliant. However, sometimes I look pregnant and that's not on. 

I'm going to try to keep a short daily blog of my progress, just because I've never really kept a proper blog before and I've always felt vaguely guilty for not having one, seeing as I call myself a writer. 

DAY ONE  

On Day 1 of my resolution to do a pull up, I woke up in a Premier Inn in Langney smelling of cigars, jaeger-bombs and sick. I then went to an all-you-can eat Chinese buffet and strategically ate everything. Then, being far too full to do any exercise, I went home and watched TV for the rest of the day.

DAY TWO

This morning I made it to the gym, where I did my workout and managed to hang onto the pull up bar for about 10 seconds. I then went home and ate a giant slab of lasagne. 

Monday, 30 December 2013

Bill Bryson on selfishness and the burden of writing

By Zoe Hazel Thomas

A few weeks ago I met, as unimaginative as the phrase is, one of my ‘literary heroes’. 

He’s an author whose books I’ve dipped into since Down Under joined our family’s selection of toilet entertainment about a decade ago, alongside The Best of Private Eye 1989 and a few Gary Larson cartoons. 

Of course, as a teenager primarily concerned with boys and alcohol, it didn’t occur to me at the time that everybody else knew about Bill Bryson too. To me he was just a hairy man bumbling around Australia, who only really existed every so often in the tiled confines of my parents’ upstairs bathroom. It wasn’t until I grew older and more of his books appeared in the cupboard, that I started to realise just how brilliant a writer this hairy man was. He had, and of course still has, a rare talent that many clever people lack: the ability to make complex (and, it has to be said, potentially dull) information digestible and entertaining. I may have doodled and daydreamed my way through science lessons at school, but when Bill Bryson explained atoms, electrons and quarks in The Short History of Nearly Everything, I was not only gripped, but sometimes laughing out loud. It was a strange feeling then, to find myself sitting at the Dean’s Place Hotel in Alfriston a few weeks ago, looking right at the man I’d spent so much time reading about. Up to that point, he had just been a character from a book. Now here he was, standing right in front of me, actually giving me advice.


“First of all, thank you very much for coming. It’s really very flattering to me and it’s something that always means a lot,” Bill Bryson said, his Iowa twang still noticeable after 40 years of living in Britain. As much as I would like to say he was addressing me personally, I was in fact sitting in an audience of about 80 others, at an hour-long talk organised by the local bookshop Much Ado Books. He was there to promote his latest book, One Summer: America 1927 but, true Bryson-style, he ended up discussing all kinds of things, including his relationship with travelling, writing, England and his family, who we soon discovered were sitting with us in the audience.


Bryson waiting to begin his talk at Dean's Head Hotel,
Alfriston
“I feel a bit uneasy here for a number of reasons,” Bryson began once the welcoming applause had petered out. “Not least because my two children are here and so if I screw up they’ll never let me forget it. Most places I go, if I do screw up then I can just leave and I don’t see the people ever again. These are people I have to live the rest of my life with.”


Before inviting us to ask our own questions, Bryson spoke about his background in journalism, travel writing, and of course his new book. He first found fame as a travel writer in the late ‘80s, after he published The Lost Continent: Travels in Small-Town America, but, despite his obvious successes, he never intended it to be that way. 

“For a first book it attracted quite a lot of attention," he said. "And for that reason my publishers said ‘ok, that’s what you do now, you do travel books.’ But that was not my intention. I enjoyed doing it I didn’t resist the idea, but after I’d done a dozen or so travel books, there came a point when I decided that I can’t write any more jokes about food I don’t like, or just being confused and muddled. And I was running out of countries to sort of, take the piss out of.”  


One of the reasons I’ve always enjoyed Bryson’s books, even as a teenager, is that despite the long and often detailed passages about certain points in history, or things that I’m not particularly interested in (like baseball), the stories themselves are told so well, and they are so pleasantly peppered with funny bits that I just can’t skip over them. In trying to write my own comic passages, I often despair at how easy it seems to come to other writers. How effortlessly they build a story and deliver a punchline by using the right words at the right pace, at just the right tone. Bryson is highly accomplished at doing this, but he was quick to admit to us (much to my delight) that humour doesn’t always flow as well for him as it seems.


“It’s a challenge to write comic passages and it’s an interesting challenge,” he told us. “What’s hard about writing humorously is that when you’re writing you don’t know how the reader is going to respond to it, and you can agonise over punchlines, trying to get the passage exactly right but you have no idea how it’s going to be received. Still, it’s something I enjoy immensely even though it drives me crazy doing it.”



The ‘agonising’ Bryson mentioned is something most writers know all too well, and not just in terms of comedy. Famous writers, including F Scott Fitzgerald and Sylvia Plath, have spiralled into depression and alcoholism with bouts of writer’s block. The problem with being an avid reader as well as a writer, is that it opens your eyes to all the superb talent out there, and it drives home just how much competition there is to contend with. It’s like a chef doing a tour of all the Michelin starred restaurants in the world and then coming back to his little cafe in a side-alley in Chiswick  is it inspiring to encounter the best, or is it just depressing? I put this thought to Bryson when he opened the floor to questions (after a fair amount of frantic arm waving - mine, not his).


“Somebody gave me a great deal of comfort when I was an aspiring writer myself,” he told me, while I tried to process the incredible fact that I was talking to Bill Bryson. “Go into any bookshop and look at all of the titles. Hundreds and hundreds of titles. Thousands of titles. They’re all written by people who first of all nobody had heard of. And then just look at the books. I don’t know how good a writer you are or not, but I can tell you that you’re a lot better than a lot of people who get published. There’s a lot of bad writing out there. You cannot be so bad that you would be as bad as Jeffrey Archer. There’s room for all of us. Publishing is an amazingly vast and sprawling thing. So don’t give up, and don’t worry that people won’t read you because one day they very well may.”


Before he moved on there was something else I wanted to know. While reading his travel books, I’d always wondered how the writing process itself changed the way he viewed or enjoyed a place. I imagined he would always have to be taking notes at every museum he found, every local he spoke to. On the few occasions that I have travelled alone, I’ve spent a great deal of that time writing  in cafes, in restaurants, on train journeys. For me it’s an enjoyable experience that helps to consolidate my thoughts. For Bryson, however, writing is more of a burden. “What I really enjoy, just for pleasure,” he said, “Is going with my wife and kids and not having the burden of having to write about it – not having to take notes or think about it. Travelling to gather material is not all that fun. Travelling with my wife and kids is.”

Previously in the talk, he’d told us that he conducts his research alone. This, he said, is “the most fun part of the book”. The writing itself is “just hard and it’s not fun. It’s just a job I have to get through.” He mentioned this lack of enjoyment again in answer to my question: “When I’m writing, I need to be doing it on my own. It’s not an experience that I can enjoyably share with my wife and kids or anything like that. There have been times that they’ve come along with me that aren’t necessarily recorded in the book. But by and large it has to be a selfish experience.” When he goes out for a walk, he needs to be free to make his own decisions
whether to go left at a T-junction, or right. He compared travelling around with others to being in a “cocoon, a little bubble that becomes your culture, your personal life that you’re just moving around a different place with”.


At the signing after the talk, Bryson graciously shook hands with and spoke to just about every audience member there. It was clear to see he wasn’t just there to sell books: he was there because now, after months of researching and writing in isolation, he could finally come to meet the people who enjoy his work. When it was my turn, he thanked me for my question and asked a little about my writing. He told me again not to worry, just to persevere because, despite his OBE, his awards, his honourary degrees and his global success, he still knows exactly how it feels to want to throw your laptop out of the window, lock yourself in a cupboard and never write another word. 

It’s a burden a lot of writers carry, but we have to carry it with pride, if only for the small chance that one day, somebody might want to read what we have written.